LBB Film Club: All Up There
‘All Up There’ is a story following the life and struggle of 20-something-year-old Eilidh, desperately seeking answers from her GP after debilitating pain presses pause on her life. Inspired by director Bonnie MacRae’s personal dealings with endometriosis, the short film is an ode to the endless GP and hospital appointments, all ending in a similar manner - with dismissal and medical misogyny. Seeking answers, main character Eilidh is instead met with the horrors and humiliations of chronic illness whilst coming of age.
“I felt like I was going insane,” opens up Bonnie about her own experience. “I struggled to comprehend just how little concern medical professionals had towards the pain that left me in the back of an ambulance every single month, signalling the beginning of my period.”
Having undergone surgery and still not receiving the answers she knew would validate her pain and ease her mind, Bonnie wanted to create a piece of art that described how she felt. The director found it extremely difficult to explain her condition to friends, employers, and doctors, along with its ins and outs, so she conveyed it in the way she knew best.
Bonnie skilfully portrays youth, chaos, love for music and dance, confusing joy and the nuances of womanhood entangled in chronic illness through light, incredible filmic pacing and colours. LBB’s Zoe Antonov spoke to the director to find out more about the vital change needed around endometriosis care, and how ‘All Up There’ represents women that are going through it today.
LBB> How did you construct your main character Eilidh, and what were the jumping-off points for her?
Bonnie> It was really important to me in the development of the film that the story not just be about Eilidh’s illness. Endometriosis can impact every section of your life and I wanted to try and build that world around her, in the short time we had to do so. Eilidh had to be more than her illness, as is everyone with a chronic condition. I think sometimes when you have a condition that takes over your life, it can feel as though there’s not much else that defines you. We really wanted to show this perspective in ‘All Up There’ through the birthday scenes; every year the number on the candles increases while the friends around her dwindle. Hannah Collins, who played Eilidh, totally encapsulated within the slightest change in expression, how isolating it can feel, when you start to lose yourself to the condition.
LBB> What made Hannah Collins the perfect actress to embody Eilidh?
Bonnie> Hannah is an incredible actor! Not having endometriosis herself, I initially felt some pressure in directing her to perform in the most realistic, representative way. Then, the very first scene we filmed had her lying on the bathroom floor in pain (potentially one of the most emotionally difficult scenes, so apologies to Hannah for starting with that immediately), and I knew as soon as the camera started rolling that I wouldn’t have to feel that pressure anymore. She perfectly embodies the extremities and delicacies of endometriosis in her performance, and I believe does complete justice to those suffering. I wanted to create something that represented chronic illness in a way I hadn’t yet seen on screen before, and Hannah really is the reason we were able to do that. She is the film, and I’m so grateful to have her as a close collaborator, and now a dear friend.
LBB> Tell me about the ways in which you depicted pain - there are a few very creative shots in which audiences are reminded of the sensation of pain, without us seeing the main character in pain.
Bonnie> With a hidden illness, it’s very hard to express just how much pain you’re in. There’s only so many words you can use that can do it justice. Focusing on smaller parts of that pain was something we wanted to do, as I think it allows you to hone in on that feeling - it becomes intimate. You imagine how much stress your body has to be under to move and squirm in the way that Eilidh does. The biggest goal in creating the film was to open up endometriosis to an audience that has little experience or understanding of the condition itself – one of the only ways broader society will come to understand just how affecting endo can be is through witnessing it first hand. I think we were also really lucky in just how incredible Hannah is showing pain through her eyes, her minute glances and deepest breaths.
LBB> Tell me about your usage of music as a juxtaposition in the film. What role does the music play in the film? And likewise, what role does dance play in it?
Bonnie> Music was actually the starting point for me in making this film. I’ve spent too much time in waiting rooms to not have noticed the almost-symphonic nature that occurs – doors opening and closing, phones ringing, receptionists typing, the clock ticking. It became all that I could hear, and I wanted to form a beat, and subsequently the story, around those sounds.
I’m massively inspired by Danny Boyle and his rhythmic filmmaking. I love how his visuals almost inform the music, as opposed to the other way around. I wanted the soundtrack of the film, which was composed by Kerr Darling, an incredible DJ from Dundee, to act as the pace-maker, the beating heart of the film. In doing so, we were able to create this immersive, stressful, slightly catchy sound that soundtracks that feeling, and the time, waiting for a diagnosis. I also really love electronic music and wanted to see if it was possible to incorporate it into a very medical-leaning film. Most women are in their late teens-early twenties when they start trying to get that diagnosis, so why not create something that feels youthful and energetic and depicts that coming-of-age?
LBB> What about the birthday scenes? What do they represent and why were they important?
Bonnie> I really love the birthday scenes (even though we had about fifteen minutes to shoot all of them at the end of the day). I think we are told so much through what Eilidh doesn’t say. There is basically zero dialogue in the film, only a mere few lines from our GP that bookend the story. This meant so much of the storytelling had to come from the sound, from the visuals, and we had to consider how to do this and really detail that emotion, without ever actually saying anything. The film makes the point that on average, it takes eight years in the UK to reach an endometriosis diagnosis, and we see this literally through the birthday sequence. As Eilidh grows older, the candles on her cake change in age, as does the number of people around her; she’s slowly losing her spark, her friends – and her mind.
LBB> What was the costume design process like? We see quite a few shots of sparkly dresses and sequins. What did you want to depict with that?
Bonnie> We had a very, very low budget, and only two days to make the film, so costume actually became something that was unfortunately not the main focus. Due to this, , almost everything we see Eilidh wearing is actually from my own wardrobe, which really makes the film feel that little extra bit personal. We wanted the contrast from the doctor’s appointment-style comfies to the sparkle of nights out and celebrations. Just because you’re living with a chronic illness doesn’t mean that you don’t want to dress up and look nice, even if a pair of joggers and a pink fluffy hot water bottle are the preferred option 90% of the time. I hope we managed to show that that hot water bottle still goes with the sparkly dress!
LBB> What was the film shot on and how did that particular gear help you achieve the look that you wanted?
Bonnie> We worked with an extremely talented DOP, Nelisa Alcalde, who helped us achieve the aesthetic shown in the final film. We shot on her Panasonic S1H and had an incredible team of camera assistants that brought Nelisa’s vision into reality. Due to our tiny budget, we also gratefully called in a lot of favours, and have Progressive Broadcast Hire in Glasgow to thank for that.
LBB> The film also has a little bit of a retro look to it - why did you go for that aesthetic? Why did you pick that aspect ratio?
Bonnie> We went for that aspect ratio as I felt it really honed in on the pain - we’re completely focused on it. When watching it on the monitor as we were filming, I was imagining what it would eventually look like on the big screen, and just bringing it slightly tighter really intensified the likes of the GP (Robin Laing) and all of his wonderful, intense, slightly terrifying expressions.
LBB> Tell me about the colour scheme of the film - I see a lot of pinks, reds and purples. What were you after with picking your colour scheme?
Bonnie> I wanted the film to be balanced, as much as it is medical and pale and bright with those horrible hospital strip lights, but also warm and comforting and cosy and feminine. We really wanted to accentuate skin tones - the scene in the GP’s office being one in particular where we wanted everything to feel uneasy and almost too close for comfort. The colour palette we used allowed us to show every pore, every under-eye bag; it helped create a look for Eilidh that we couldn’t achieve in person (due to budget we didn’t have a makeup artist!).
LBB> Tell me about the very final shots of the film after the statement that on average it takes eight years for a person to be diagnosed with endometriosis in the UK.
Bonnie> The final shots of the film are taken from personal footage of my own Endometriosis experience. I had actually toyed with removing them, and did so for a while. It’s incredibly raw and the footage itself originated from the fact that my own doctors weren’t listening to me. Any time I had a flare up, I started getting whoever I was with to record it unfolding, so I had physical proof to show on my phone when I eventually got to hospital. The point of the film is to emphasise the reality of the lengthy wait for a diagnosis, and I wanted that message to land as strongly as possible, hence the inclusion of that final footage.
LBB> You had a full female/non-binary crew - why was that important for your production and the film?
Bonnie> I was really passionate about working with an all-female crew. There’s such an amazing community of women working in the industry in Scotland, and it would be stupid not to make the most of that. We had a really tiny budget and only two days to film, but everyone was so on board and motivated in working together to create what is now ‘All Up There’.
I have absolutely no complaints about working with a mixed crew, but there was something so empowering in making a film on this subject matter in a room full of women. We actually have crew members who upon working on the film, only later realised they too had endometriosis. I’m just really grateful to have been able to share this time and space with the crew, and so thankful to them for helping me get ‘All Up There’ to where it is now. I really couldn’t have done it on my own.
LBB> How long did the production take and what were the biggest challenges of making it? What about the most fun parts?
Bonnie> Production on the film was very rushed, and we really didn’t have much time at all to prep before our two shoot days. I’m honestly still shocked at how much we got through on set. I think the first day, we had maybe 35 different set ups. We had also never been to one of our two locations before, and were unable to recce, so had to plan around only seeing pictures. It was a bit stressful at first, but we all got into the groove and it was really inspiring seeing those first few shots come to life through the monitor when we started filming.
The biggest challenge in making the film definitely came from the budget-side of things. It’s the most money I had ever had at that point to make a film, so although small (and quickly dwindling), it felt like a lot. We were pushed for time and money – I edited the film myself due to that lack of funds, we ate the prop cake for lunch on the second day, which was so helpful (and delicious), and like any small short film, we did call in a lot of favours. Even though this was the case, I wouldn’t change much. That financial/time pressure only allowed us to come up with ways of doing things that we never would have thought about had we actually had the capacity to do it as originally planned.
LBB> What do you hope people take away from the film?
Bonnie> It’s really a privilege to hear that the film could play a role in driving change. We recently screened the film at the Houses of Parliament at Westminster where I hosted a panel on endometriosis alongside a panel of MPs, campaigners and charity members.
There’s such a long way to go, and that can feel really disheartening and overwhelming. What has really motivated me is the response to the film, both from those attending the events and screenings, and those who can see themselves represented on screen. That really means a lot, and I’m so grateful for the endometriosis community I’ve found myself in following the release of the film!
Sufferers shouldn’t have to advocate for themselves in the way that they are currently. It’s not right and shouldn’t have to happen. I think starting with very basic goals is one way to drive eventual positive change. We should all have an understanding of endometriosis, and importantly, how to pronounce it (end-oh-mee-tree-oh-sis!). No one expects you to have knowledge of a condition you have little relation to, but with 1.5 million (that we know of) in the UK currently living with it, it’s more than probable that you know someone who knows someone who has it.
Employers need to understand and acknowledge endometriosis’ severity and young women must know that period pain should never ever leave you unable to live your life, to undertake the most normal of tasks. That’s not normal and you need to make people listen. I hope one day for a time when no woman has to fight against those who fail to believe her pain, but for now, baby steps. Positive change around endometriosis is possible and the process of making ‘All Up There’ from writing to attending parliament has left me heartened by the community ready to make the world listen.
