How Many Dates Before You Consummate?

We've all been there.  You meet a potential client, you flirt, you sell yourself. They purr, they blush, they hint at a future.

You buy them dinner.  You talk for ages.  But they never quite go the whole way.

Is this relationship is going somewhere?  Or are you just being groomed to drop your creative knickers for the promise of something deep and meaningful. 

All relationships are different, and start in different ways.  Sometimes, they chase you.  They've checked you out from afar, like your style and the way your strut your stuff.  They've seen the satisfied look on other people’s faces and want some of that.  They jump in with a proposition you can't refuse and before you know it you've fallen into bed and started bouncing off each other. Beautiful. 

Others are less promiscuous.  They want a bit for formality.  Do you personalities match?  Are you stable?  What've you got in the bank?  There's no harm in it, though in the modern world this can become increasingly tiresome, especially if you're courting several conservative hopefuls at once.

Either of these scenarios can be healthy and solid ways to get involved with someone.  One way or another, you're gonna get yours.  Sadly though, not everyone is looking to get down to business.  They have a different agenda, and you need to spot them early before you suffer heartache. Though it’s easy to get lost in your desire, there’s three clear signs that someone is doing a Don Juan on you:

Hotels, Motels, Holiday Inn.

“There’s a cute little coffee shop near my office”.  “I’ll meet you at the restaurant”.  “Let’s just meet at your place”.  The first few times it was convenient.  Now it just feels awkward.  Why can’t you go to their place? Why don’t they want you seen?

You never meet their friends.

It’s been a while, you’ve done lunches, dinners; you’ve even been to a show together.  Everything is going swimmingly but you’ve noticed it’s always just them - on their own.  You’ve hinted that it would be nice to meet some of their people, but it just never happens.  In fact, you can barely get them to name a friend.  Maybe they’re scared you’ll want their friends more than you want them.  Or maybe they don’t want their friends to know about you.

Lack of commitment.

A new relationship is about the ‘now’.  It’s fun, it’s fresh, it’s exciting – at first. Eventually you want to make plans.  Build something for the future.  Work towards a life together.   The thing is, every time you try to pin them down to make a commitment, all you hear is excuses.

So, what’s the answer?  Sadly, there’s no golden rule with relationships. Sometimes, even when it all seems pointless and waste of your time, you suddenly find someone down on one knee, begging you to be with them. Ultimately, it depends on what kind of person you are.  Either you’re a trusting, free spirit who believes good will always out.  Or you’re a cynic who’s done with time wasters. Either way, us humble seekers of their next great romance must continue to wine and dine in the hope that Mr or Mrs Right is out there.  But if you feel you need a concrete rule of thumb, then this is as good as any: 

If you haven’t got any by the 3rd date, move on. 

Good hunting and Happy Valentines.

Ben Gallop, one of the founding partners of Brand and Deliver. (Married, happily so.)