9 Ways to Avoid the Sartorial Cannes Pitfalls

The glamour of Cannes week, is that what you’re thinking on your inaugural visit? What a misconception. Cannes, the world of awards shows with everything from porn week, estate agent week with creativity sandwiched in between. It’s the week where you have to see peers in holiday clothes (like seeing your teacher in the supermarket as a kid) and one too many pairs of male knobbly knees. So how do you avoid the sartorial Cannes pitfalls?

1. Posh Casual Wear: A selection of clothes that most of us never need thanks to the English climate, slumming it on the tube to work and the fact we’re (mostly) not millionaires. It’s the look that Pretty Woman moved to post-prostitution. 

2. Crisp White Shirt: As a global festival, there are many women who get summer dressing. However you can spot the Brits for their resemblance to Tracey Emin’s bed.  

3. Baring All: The night time humiliation of the UV beach party light shining onto your sturdy white M&S undies. 

4. Underwear As Outerwear: And while on the topic of visible underwear, this is probably not the moment to channel your inner Kardashian… there are outfits that have gone down in history - gold thongs, see through dresses. These can never be unseen!

5. The Royal Wedge: While taxi drivers are busy protesting against Uber, they are hard to come by in Cannes so you will be walking… a lot. Ladies wedges are the way forward if you can bear the Middleton vibe. 

6. The Lunch To Dinner Outfit Change: It’s time for toddler clothes - simple to get into without having to stand on one leg or deal with anything as complicated as straps, maybe even Velcro shoe fastenings?

7. The Baguette Baby:  On about day 3, you will begin to look 6 months pregnant. Do not pack for Cannes, thinking you will look the same at the beginning as the end. You will need a t-shirt dress, or a maternity one. 

8. Leopard Ladies:  When you find yourself outside the gutter bar once again, avoid wearing the leopard look – this brand identity has been appropriated by some Cannes’ regulars and you do not want to be mistaken for them.

9. The Walk Of Shame: The flight home, the bleakest moment of the year. You’ll need more than the ‘celebrity at the airport’ disguise, maybe a large paper bag, it can always serve a dual purpose?